12 Jul 2007

Chapter Two

As Fred climaxed for the third time and proceeded to light up a fag, God was on his fourth Pina Colada and was, well, wasted! As he always got after four, he began to feel mischievous. So he began inventing again and Porn was born. Not satisfied with this he decided to give Fred a head’s up on his anatomy and so with a Pssst noise God leant down and whispered into Fred’s ear. So Fred was lost to Maude for the next two days as he played with himself. Frustrated that she had been left alone for two days Maude had as all future woman will learn at some point – how to pleasure herself. This was not all that she had been doing though, she had cooked, cleaned, washed out the fig leaves, hung them out to dry and invented a shelter for the pair of them to live under as God’s varying drunkenness, frustration, happiness etc. had caused havoc with the weather and you really do not want to know what happened when he needed the toilet! So when Fred finally came back he flopped in his newly made hammock and dozed off, not even noticing what Maude had done with the place. What Fred had also forgotten as that it was one week ago they had first…….…. Well you know and as sentimental as women are Maude wanted to call this an Anniversary. So Fred slept through this and in this time ingrained in nearly all men to come how to forget their Anniversary whilst Maude ingrained in every woman to come how to be annoyed with a man when he forgets your anniversary and with the added bonus the ability to hold a grudge with said man for at least a week if not longer depending on the length of time you have spent together. This was all settled later that night though when both of them instilled in generations to come how to make up after the forgotten anniversary. Bliss resumed on the Planet Nod. Life went on this way - Tiger’s ate smaller, less able mammals, they in turn were eaten and man, well specifically Fred ate anything in sight. The only thing spoiling the bliss was Maude. Maude was getting fat, Maude was getting well, emotional and very very pregnant. Being the first ever woman and the first ever to be pregnant Maude had no idea what was happening and was beginning to get worried. Not knowing where else to turn to and seeing as Fred was playing with himself again Maude done the only thing she could think of, call on God. Now God was feeling a little down himself. He had created everything he could think of, he had been rat arsed for the past three days and so hung over and slightly depressed he was only too happy to answer Maude’s call. He even deemed it worthy of a personal visit – well he had nothing better to do! And so it was that God came down and took one look at Maude and ....................burst out laughing. Not seeing the funny side of it at that precise moment Maude burst into tears and flopped to the floor. God realising what an insensitive beast he had been went over to reassure her with a pat on the back. Fred heard the commotion and with one hand still wrapped around his todger came to see what the fuss was about. So God was left to explain to them with the use of diagrams and a couple of pamphlets what exactly they had been doing and the consequences of their actions. When he got to the part about being pregnant Fred departed with a quick faint and a lump to the head where he hit a rock on his way down. Now, woman being as adaptable as they are grasped the situation straight away and came to terms with it within five minutes. Poor Fred however, came round from his faint and promptly got smacked over the head with the nearest tree limb for lying to tell her he was just a man – he neglected to tell her he contained millions of sperm when she slept with him and she said there was no excuse as he knew and anyway even if he didn’t, didn’t it scare him to see this white discharge every time he played with himself? Still reeling from the second blow Fred tried to tell Maude he had not known until now and he would do whatever she wanted. He narrowly missed the third blow. After the initial shock normality returned and all was quiet again until…………........……….………… The scream could be heard on the opposite continent. Maude was in Labour. Once Fred had peeled himself off of the ceiling of the cave they now inhabited he casually strolled out to see what was going on.




No comments: