Chapter One

First there was God…………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………..
Then he sneezed and formed Land, Sea and Sky. After realising what a big mistake he had made, sneezing when he did he tried to do what any other man would do – cover it up or make it look like an accident. So he had a little play, tossed it away, tried again, still was not happy so threw it again, tried for a third time an came up with an even worse idea which he thought was marvellous and called it………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………...Man!
This proved to be an even bigger mistake but as always he just shrugged his mighty shoulders and admitted defeat. It would be about two millennia before it came back to haunt him but when it did, well you know the rest!
Later, after making man and feeling quite pleased with himself he took himself off on holiday to contemplate what to do next. There he had an epiphany and realised what all men should be taught from an early age – they cannot live without women! So dragging his butt back he quickly got back to work and invented woman. Feeling a rush of success at what he had achieved he went on an inventing spree and created all the other creatures on Nod (Later to be renamed Earth by the next generation because they thought Nod sounded daft). By the time he got to the Hippopotamus he was feeling reckless and that is why we have finished up with creatures such as Aardvarks! Oh and to answer the question everyone has asked at some point in their life- yes the fly’s God’s idea of a joke – he created it to keep us guessing!
Now because he was in the funk of inventing he did not notice that all the animals were all still together and the man was feeling a little claustrophobic and a little afraid as a pair of Tigers was eyeing him up – after all when your just created you are a little hungry! So man and woman were feeling, well, squashed and so the call went out to God for some assistance. Very annoyed at being disturbed he went to them with Thunder rolling, however, when he got there he saw immediately what was wrong and with a blush sent the animals on their way to where they should be. Apologies were exchanged and happily God went off and got back to his creating.
Now back on the newly formed land woman was still feeling a little crowded as she had just noticed man’s fig leaf rising. Her fig leaves were making her feel fat and by the look on man’s face it showed he did not feel the same. So there she was first of many to have that horrible problem that will plague woman forever more – do you turn and walk away or just accept what is going to happen next? It was at that precise moment the “Sorry Darling not tonight I have a headache!” was invented.
Now God, exhausted by his efforts was chillin’ on a cloud when he heard a rumpus from below. Casually leaning over he saw that man had already began the great and historic book of chat up lines (normally naff ones at that – which had a special section all to themselves) and so had succeeded in wooing woman and was currently trying to figure out how to get her fig leaves off. Smiling smugly God went back to his chillin’ and man was left frustrated until woman stepped in and showed him how to do it making it look so easy!
So there began the tremulous relationship between man and woman and it was not until he had finished getting his end away so to speak that he thought to ask her name, come to think of it what was his name?! In utter confusion the pair decided to call on God and ask him.Up on a cloud, Pina Colada in one hand, book in the other, God heard the call. Sighing, head on hands he leant over to see what they wanted. Now as he had already sunk two Pina Colada’s the slightest movement meant he felt woozy so asking them to hurry up because he thought he was going to throw up, they told him what had happened. Giggling he settles the problem by telling man he was called Fred and woman, well, she was called Maude. Then he rushed off to stick his head down the toilet. Puzzled the pair shrugged their shoulders and went back to shagging which both had realised was quite nice though in all honesty in Maude’s eyes Fred wasn’t quite as good as he made out to be!