Chapter One

First there was God…………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………..
Then he sneezed and formed Land, Sea and Sky. After realising what a big mistake he had made, sneezing when he did he tried to do what any other man would do – cover it up or make it look like an accident. So he had a little play, tossed it away, tried again, still was not happy so threw it again, tried for a third time an came up with an even worse idea which he thought was marvellous and called it………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………...Man!
This proved to be an even bigger mistake but as always he just shrugged his mighty shoulders and admitted defeat. It would be about two millennia before it came back to haunt him but when it did, well you know the rest!
Later, after making man and feeling quite pleased with himself he took himself off on holiday to contemplate what to do next. There he had an epiphany and realised what all men should be taught from an early age – they cannot live without women! So dragging his butt back he quickly got back to work and invented woman. Feeling a rush of success at what he had achieved he went on an inventing spree and created all the other creatures on Nod (Later to be renamed Earth by the next generation because they thought Nod sounded daft). By the time he got to the Hippopotamus he was feeling reckless and that is why we have finished up with creatures such as Aardvarks! Oh and to answer the question everyone has asked at some point in their life- yes the fly’s God’s idea of a joke – he created it to keep us guessing!
Now because he was in the funk of inventing he did not notice that all the animals were all still together and the man was feeling a little claustrophobic and a little afraid as a pair of Tigers was eyeing him up – after all when your just created you are a little hungry! So man and woman were feeling, well, squashed and so the call went out to God for some assistance. Very annoyed at being disturbed he went to them with Thunder rolling, however, when he got there he saw immediately what was wrong and with a blush sent the animals on their way to where they should be. Apologies were exchanged and happily God went off and got back to his creating.
Now back on the newly formed land woman was still feeling a little crowded as she had just noticed man’s fig leaf rising. Her fig leaves were making her feel fat and by the look on man’s face it showed he did not feel the same. So there she was first of many to have that horrible problem that will plague woman forever more – do you turn and walk away or just accept what is going to happen next? It was at that precise moment the “Sorry Darling not tonight I have a headache!” was invented.
Now God, exhausted by his efforts was chillin’ on a cloud when he heard a rumpus from below. Casually leaning over he saw that man had already began the great and historic book of chat up lines (normally naff ones at that – which had a special section all to themselves) and so had succeeded in wooing woman and was currently trying to figure out how to get her fig leaves off. Smiling smugly God went back to his chillin’ and man was left frustrated until woman stepped in and showed him how to do it making it look so easy!
So there began the tremulous relationship between man and woman and it was not until he had finished getting his end away so to speak that he thought to ask her name, come to think of it what was his name?! In utter confusion the pair decided to call on God and ask him.Up on a cloud, Pina Colada in one hand, book in the other, God heard the call. Sighing, head on hands he leant over to see what they wanted. Now as he had already sunk two Pina Colada’s the slightest movement meant he felt woozy so asking them to hurry up because he thought he was going to throw up, they told him what had happened. Giggling he settles the problem by telling man he was called Fred and woman, well, she was called Maude. Then he rushed off to stick his head down the toilet. Puzzled the pair shrugged their shoulders and went back to shagging which both had realised was quite nice though in all honesty in Maude’s eyes Fred wasn’t quite as good as he made out to be!

Chapter Two

As Fred climaxed for the third time and proceeded to light up a fag, God was on his fourth Pina Colada and was, well, wasted! As he always got after four, he began to feel mischievous. So he began inventing again and Porn was born. Not satisfied with this he decided to give Fred a head’s up on his anatomy and so with a Pssst noise God leant down and whispered into Fred’s ear. So Fred was lost to Maude for the next two days as he played with himself. Frustrated that she had been left alone for two days Maude had as all future woman will learn at some point – how to pleasure herself. This was not all that she had been doing though, she had cooked, cleaned, washed out the fig leaves, hung them out to dry and invented a shelter for the pair of them to live under as God’s varying drunkenness, frustration, happiness etc. had caused havoc with the weather and you really do not want to know what happened when he needed the toilet! So when Fred finally came back he flopped in his newly made hammock and dozed off, not even noticing what Maude had done with the place. What Fred had also forgotten as that it was one week ago they had first…….…. Well you know and as sentimental as women are Maude wanted to call this an Anniversary. So Fred slept through this and in this time ingrained in nearly all men to come how to forget their Anniversary whilst Maude ingrained in every woman to come how to be annoyed with a man when he forgets your anniversary and with the added bonus the ability to hold a grudge with said man for at least a week if not longer depending on the length of time you have spent together. This was all settled later that night though when both of them instilled in generations to come how to make up after the forgotten anniversary. Bliss resumed on the Planet Nod. Life went on this way - Tiger’s ate smaller, less able mammals, they in turn were eaten and man, well specifically Fred ate anything in sight. The only thing spoiling the bliss was Maude. Maude was getting fat, Maude was getting well, emotional and very very pregnant. Being the first ever woman and the first ever to be pregnant Maude had no idea what was happening and was beginning to get worried. Not knowing where else to turn to and seeing as Fred was playing with himself again Maude done the only thing she could think of, call on God. Now God was feeling a little down himself. He had created everything he could think of, he had been rat arsed for the past three days and so hung over and slightly depressed he was only too happy to answer Maude’s call. He even deemed it worthy of a personal visit – well he had nothing better to do! And so it was that God came down and took one look at Maude and ....................burst out laughing. Not seeing the funny side of it at that precise moment Maude burst into tears and flopped to the floor. God realising what an insensitive beast he had been went over to reassure her with a pat on the back. Fred heard the commotion and with one hand still wrapped around his todger came to see what the fuss was about. So God was left to explain to them with the use of diagrams and a couple of pamphlets what exactly they had been doing and the consequences of their actions. When he got to the part about being pregnant Fred departed with a quick faint and a lump to the head where he hit a rock on his way down. Now, woman being as adaptable as they are grasped the situation straight away and came to terms with it within five minutes. Poor Fred however, came round from his faint and promptly got smacked over the head with the nearest tree limb for lying to tell her he was just a man – he neglected to tell her he contained millions of sperm when she slept with him and she said there was no excuse as he knew and anyway even if he didn’t, didn’t it scare him to see this white discharge every time he played with himself? Still reeling from the second blow Fred tried to tell Maude he had not known until now and he would do whatever she wanted. He narrowly missed the third blow. After the initial shock normality returned and all was quiet again until…………........……….………… The scream could be heard on the opposite continent. Maude was in Labour. Once Fred had peeled himself off of the ceiling of the cave they now inhabited he casually strolled out to see what was going on.

Chapter Three

He had taken in the sight before him before he promptly passed out! In the meantime Maude is huffing and puffing and screaming for drugs that have not even been invented yet and so when they are not forthcoming she resigns herself to a painful time ahead –oh and also decides that everything is Fred’s fault. Fred now regaining consciousness quickly realises it would have been better if he hadn’t when he hears Maude screaming at him manically and accusing him of all sorts. So poor Fred takes all the blame whilst Maude takes on the guise of a woman possessed. Thirty- six ear bashing hours later Maude presents Fred with his son – Albert (well being the first man and woman they have no idea of names yet and it sounded good). Tortured ears, and an aching head and a non- committal shrug greets Albert in his newfound world. Completely uninterested Fred shrugs and strolls off. He hears the whistle as the rock strikes the back of his head but remembers very little else about the first few hour’s of Albert’s life. When he wakes he finds a peaceful, awe-inspiring sight awaiting him – mother, and child fast asleep in her arms. Smiling he goes to the other side of the cave, scratches himself and curls up on the furs falling fast asleep. Now, any new mother and father knows a baby will cry and scream so waking you up and making you wonder who is killing them. So when Fred was scared awake by Albert’s mighty lungs he thought someone was attacking the cave. Still half asleep he jumps up, grabs his spear and sways towards Maude and Albert, gibbering nonsense about dismemberment. Maude unfazed by this new occurrence jut picks him up and starts nursing him leaving Fred stumbling around the cave still in search of an axe murderer hiding in the shadows, oh, hang on, there might be less shadows if he opens his eyes……….... there you go, no shadows, no axe murderers. Grumpily he plods up to mother and baby, glares at the pair of them and stumbles back to bed. Contentedly Maude nurses Albert until completely satisfied and settles him back to sleep. Twenty minutes later the pair are awoken again by Albert’s lungs, this is about the time Maude decides motherhood isn’t all it’s cracked up to be and nothing like in the brochure God gave her! She had been through it twice forward and backwards looking for this chapter and it definitely is not in there and she is not impressed. She leaves the brochure on Fred’s chest for him to study in the morning – she is determined that he is going to be as much a part of this as she is.